Disabled Kiwis avoid imminent benefit cuts by working at being more inspiring

New Zealand’s broadband network came to a grinding halt yesterday as thousands of disabled people began live streaming their mundane activities in the hope of fulfilling their duty by being inspirational. 

Hot on the heels of the UK Government’s announcement that disabled people need to get fully remote jobs or lose their benefits, which most disabled people agree is an entirely reasonable suggestion in 2023, crips around the globe are concerned the same policy will arrive on their shores. 

And now, here in Aotearoa, in preparation for a similar policy to be implemented, many disabled people are turning to the only thing they’ve ever been told they’re good at - being inspiring.

Daniel Stevens, 27 from Tāmaki Makaurau, horrified at the thought of having his critical funding and support cut off, decided to start filming himself making cups of tea.

“People always find it fascinating that I can make cups of tea, so I thought I’d give the people what they want, you know?” he said. 

The Minister for Disability Issues is reportedly impressed - and a little surprised - by disabled people’s initiative. 

“People with different abilities have always inspired me,” they said. “But I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure that differently abled people had it in them to actually get a job. So this seems like a perfect fit - now I can tune in to the blind woman next door every time she makes her lunch, honestly it’s incredible what she can do! If I was blind, I don’t think I’d ever leave the house!”

Poppy Calder, a 34-year-old wheelchair-user from Ōtautahi, said she was more than happy to fulfil her duty as an inspirational disabled person.

“I love just rolling around Countdown and inspiring people by just existing,” she said. “Even though I can’t afford groceries, and my support funding has been cut, as long as nondisabled people feel good when they see me out and about, that’s what really keeps me going.”

Calder has been taking her duty even further, by setting up lots of Givealittle pages to fundraise money for mobility equipment the Government won’t fund. 

“Fundraising for our own mobility vans just gives me more resilience,” Calder says. “Another thing us disabled folks are known for.” 

The New Zealand Government is bringing together a disability panel to give advice if the policy should be applied here. Disabled people must cover their own travel and accommodation costs to participate in the panel. Being on the panel is unpaid.

*This article is satire. Satire is a form of humour to illustrate, criticise or make fun of an issue.