Having sex like a vampire: How neurodivergence strengthens my sex life

My neurodiversity has cockblocked me more times than I can count. I am hyper sensitive to the senses in a way that makes me feel like a vampire.

I recall many moments in my life where I’m watching a movie with a hottie I’ve been crushing on. We start making out, running our hands all over each other’s bodies, but instead of my body responding to the arousal of their touch, my brain is too busy focusing on the sound of the movie playing in the background or the smell of the pizza sitting next to us. And nothing kills a mood more than the taste of food on their breath. It’s taken much trial and error to figure out ways to use my hypersensitivity to my advantage when exploring my sexual desires.

I have the combined ADHD type. As a result, my brain lacks dopamine, an important neurotransmitter involved in motivation, movement and reward seeking. Having sex releases dopamine, also known as the “happiness hormone.” So needless to say, I am a strong advocate for self pleasure. Masturbation a day keeps the ADHD away! (not really, but it sure helps manage the symptoms!) I am as easily distracted by sound and smell when pleasing myself as I have been with sexual partners. My solution to this was deciding it was best to lean into my hypersensitivity through arousing the five senses. 

For smell, I’d light a scented candle. For taste, I’d brush my teeth. For sound I’d put on a playlist with songs that made me feel erotic. For sight, I’d either place a mirror in front of me and focus on taking in my nudity through a lens of appreciation, or watch porn made by my favourite queer sex workers. And finally for touch, I would start by softly tracing my hand across my flesh, grounding me into my body. 

Through arousing the senses, my mind was less inclined to wander to the outside world. Instead, I was able to be present with the mental stimuli I gained through intentionally engaging with the senses, and this proved to increase my arousal. Through associating certain smells and songs with pleasure, getting me in the mood is now as simple as lighting a specific scented candle or playing a specific song. 

After experimenting with myself, I gained the confidence to advocate for these needs with the people I have sex with. Having a kōrero with my sexual partners prior to getting it on stimulates my brain, adding to my physical arousal. I communicate that I am a big fan of dirty talk and moaning because it helps to keep me focused on and grounded in the physical act of sex. Having a shower together prior to getting down and dirty helps build intimacy and lessen my chances of being distracted by smells. We brush our teeth together. We put on a sexy playlist, or porn if we’re feeling extra kinky. These small but simple acts signal to my brain that is pleasure time, allowing me to be present in the moment

Not everyone is willing to accommodate these needs, and that used to trigger my rejection sensitivity. Over time, I have reframed my outlook on this by seeing rejection as a form of redirection. I deserve to enjoy my sexual exchanges, and anyone unwilling to listen to my desires is simply an incompatible sexual partner. 

What once used to be a massive pain turned out to be a strength to my sex life. Vampires have amazing sex because they have such strong senses, so why can’t I? It’s not about trying to stay out of my head during sex, but instead being present with it through cultivating a sensual experience in order to enhance my pleasure. I can have a steamy, sensual, and rewarding sex life not despite my neurodiversity, but because of it.