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Wheelchair on a the palm of a hand

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A black wheelchair with a sign reading "APPLAUSE" is presented on the palm of a hand in front of sparkly lights. 

Is it an aisle chair or a kinky chaise? Ranking airport wheelchairs

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By The D*List

From the Buttcheek Express to the classic Stock Image Wheelchair, we reviewed the best (and worst) airport wheelchairs on a trip from Tāmaki Makaurau ki Ōtautahi.

  • Ranking airport wheelchairs
    Eda Tang
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  • When it comes to airports, we know the drill. Get there early so you can stand around waiting for airport staff to teeter around to check you in. If you’ve got that far, you know what’s coming up: the airport wheelchair. We reviewed some on a trip from Tāmaki Makaurau ki Ōtautahi. 

    5. Buttcheek Express

    Coming in last, the aisle chair that cuts costs just like your budget airline. It’s sleek in design and slim in cushioning. You might get to rest your legs if they’re long enough, but make sure you buckle up in case the flight attendant lets go of the handle and the auto brake sends you flying. To make up for the absolute mercy you’re at, this chair gives you a free grid imprinting on your upper back. Don’t worry, you’re only in it for a short while.

     

ID: Facing towards you in the jet bridge is a very slim black wheelchair with padding going from the seat to halfway up the backrest, revealing an exposed wire grid. The footrest is a U-shaped loop parallel to the floor.

 

  • Black airport aisle wheelchair
  • 4. The Kinky Chaise

    This one came straight from a love hotel, designed for those who enjoy surrendering all agency. This is basically sex furniture with handles and grab bars so that you can leave it up to flight attendants to carry you up and down the stairs. You thought dom stood for domestic flight? Oh how wrong you are. Despite how soft it looks, it’s not super comfy and requires a bit of core strength.

ID: In the wheelchair bay at the check in terminal beckons a slim wheelchair with small sturdy wheels and a thick red vinyl-cushioned seat with a curved bump at the front. The black foot plates attached to the lower frame of the wheelchair are flipped up. It has a seat belt and cable breaks.

  • Red airport wheelchair
  • 3. Stock Image Wheelchair

    Up next on is it a wheelchair or is it sex furniture? we have the classic stock image wheelchair. It’s a little dated, but with these big wheels you could actually get around yourself. It just won’t fit through the metal detector so don’t get your hopes up on independence. If you have long legs and enjoy manspreading, you’ll love this design. And it’s good news if you have a bigger body as this one accommodates at least two buttcheeks.

ID: A wide red-framed wheelchair with leathery black sling seating with fixed armrests dawdles in the wheelchair bay. It has black foot plates and large grey manual wheels.

  • Black airport wheelchair with red frame
  • 2. The Garden Centre Trolley

    While this is the most anthropometrically-appropriate and aesthetically-ordinary chair so far, it’s actually designed for you to load stolen plants onto while you snake your way out of the airport. You can transfer heavier pot plants easily just by lifting the armrest. The default position of the breaks is on lock so there’s no chance of you using this to get anywhere on your own. These breaks are called 'dead man brake systems'. Enough said.

ID: A very angular black wheelchair with flip-up armrests and thin black padding faces towards a large unsuspecting pot plant in the wheelchair bay. It has sturdy black framing on the back, which without the chair, looks like a garden centre trolley.

  • Black airport wheelchair
  • 1. First Class Limo

    So it looks like moving yourself isn’t really an option at airports, but Air New Zealand is providing the Koru Club of wheelchairs for you to move from one end of the airport to the other in style. It’s timeless, sleek and moves with grace. Even though the seat is so hard you can literally see the previous user’s bum prints on the seat, it’s a seat that you can transfer onto with relative ease. Belt in baby. Enjoy the legroom.

ID: A simple black wheelchair sunbathes in the morning light outside the terminal. It has flip-up armrests and foot plates, a small wheel at the front and a larger wheel at the rear and handles with cable breaks. It has a seat belt and its thin black padding shows the previous user's seat prints.

  • Black airport wheelchair

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