Making time for what matters most: Reflecting on relationships during Matariki

Lying on a mattress on the floor surrounded by around 30 whānau hauā and being woken up by the tune of Te Aroha at 6:30am is not how I usually wake up on a Monday morning. But in the lead up to Matariki this year I wondered how, as disabled people, we can celebrate and embrace Matariki rather than just enjoying the day off work.

A few months ago we were approached by someone in our community with a pitch around a story related to Te Tiriti o Waitangi. After internal reflection and further hui with community, we recognised that we first needed to strengthen our relationships with whānau and communities most impacted, in order to host these conversations in safe and meaningful ways.

Image description: Two young wheelchair-users and a person standing smile and laugh while chatting to each other.

So what better way to start building meaningful relationships than to gather, especially around Matariki. Guided by community leadership, two weekends ago, the The D*List team gathered at Terenga Paraoa Marae in Whangārei with whānau hauā to wānanga, eat kai and connect. I arrived with some trepidation because, like many of us, our first introduction to Matariki was when it was made a public holiday. I’d be the first to admit I've got a lot to learn about Matariki and wasn't sure what kōrero I could offer that would add value to the wānanga, especially as tauiwi. I’m used to being in control and putting myself in environments where people see me as a source of knowledge, but here I had to sit with the discomfort of not adding value in the way I normally do.

This experience reinforced for me the importance of putting relationships before the ask when it comes to telling stories... Why would people want to share their story - their taonga - with us, without an authentic relationship first?

If I had gone to this wānanga in my previous job as a reporter at a mainstream media outlet, I would have been giving out my business card to everyone. I would have been thinking about potential story ideas and who I could interview to add a te ao Māori ‘voice’ to my stories. But at this wānanga, I consciously talked very little - if at all - about our work at The D*List because this space wasn’t about us, and I didn’t want to be tempted to old habits of harvesting stories. This was uncomfortable for me because I get a lot of value and identity in what I do for work. But here, no one cared about my job title, it was all about who you were as a person.

This Matariki gathering was simply a space for people to just be together in community, build connections and share kai. There was no agenda other than to just be together, creating connection points for the many conversations and relationships that are currently happening across our communities. We took time to pause and make sure everyone could take part and listen to all perspectives on what's important. There were many hands coming together to make the noho marae happen and we are grateful for all of them.

Image description: A group of people gather in a dining room, smiling, while listening to someone speak.

Another thing we talked very little about over the two days was our actual disabilities, another identity label often used in our communities. Instead, I had chats with people about their craft hobbies, Instagram modelling, celebrity gossip and dating stories. Rather than talking about disability, we saw our communities in action - disabled people leading pōwhiri, helping each other get into bed and serve each other food.

This experience reinforced for me the importance of putting relationships before the ask when it comes to telling stories. When I think about how I used to get interviews or quotes for a story in the past, it makes me feel icky. There’s a discomfort now when people approach me in a transactional way. While more time-consuming and asks us to genuinely invest in other people’s lives, taking the time to be in relationship with people is always worth the extra effort. When things don’t go to plan, we can fall back on a healthy relationship rather than rush through to find a quick fix. Why would people want to share their story - their taonga - with us, without an authentic relationship first?

Rather than talking about disability, we saw our communities in action - disabled people leading powhiri, helping each other get into bed and serve each other food.