Yes, I am wearing a neck brace and no, you can’t ask me about it

“Why are you wearing that neck brace? What’s wrong with you?” As somebody who enjoys wearing glamorous vintage or sultry whimsigoth clothing, friendly compliments about my outfits make me smile. However, uninvited questions about my use of supportive bracing or other disability tools cast a shadow on my day.

In the last year or so, I have added a soft cervical collar, a rigid neck brace, and a pair of knee braces to my strategy repertoire for mitigating some of my chronic pain and hypermobility symptoms. Although it is beneficial, this has also led to an adjustment period as my disabilities have now been rendered “visible” to the public.

I’m sure that many of us are familiar with the discomfort at having our disabilities spun into a random talking point by other people. Casually ableist queries or comments often ignite a mixture of irritation, sadness, and alienation when they are directed at me. Therefore, remaining amiable and composed (while biting back a sarcastic reply) has felt a little easier said than done.

The Netflix series Sex Education portrays this issue with disabled character Isaac Goodwin, who uses a wheelchair and fields prying questions in several episodes. A master of biting snark, one noteworthy example is when Isaac is asked by Aimee Gibbs about whether he does art to “process the trauma of being disabled.” To which he replies: “Yes, I’m looking to find catharsis from the daily emotional torture of being in a wheelchair through the magical outlet of painting… I don’t need anything to help, because I’m actually very happy with my life. I do art because I like painting. But thank you very much for your ableist projection.”

Aimee later apologised for her thoughtlessness and insensitivity when she made her assumptions about Isaac. Although this was an audacious and jaded way of demonstrating these conversations that happen all too often for disabled people, we can’t all be as fiery as Isaac. So how do we navigate these tricky situations without divulging too much or potentially inflaming the situation?

1. Offer a very concise, scripted explanation that loosely fits with why you are using a disability aid. You don’t need to include the exact diagnosis, condition, or reasoning if you prefer. When I am asked why I’m wearing my neck brace, I usually reply with something along the lines of “Oh, it’s just an old neck injury that is giving me a bit of trouble.” 
2. When you are asked an invasive question, feign misunderstanding and respond with “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. What was your question?” This may give somebody pause for thought and nudge them to reconsider their question or why they feel the need to ask. You could also respond with: 
   a) “What a funny/strange thing to ask.” 
   b) “That’s an odd question, why would you ask that?” 
   c) *feign playful shock* “Oh no! Looks like somebody missed the lesson about not asking disabled people rude and invasive personal questions.”
   d) “Haha aww cool, I love this game! Can you please tell me about all of your personal medical information? How about you go first, since you’re so keen to play.”
3. If somebody presses further by repeating their question or pushing for more information, you could say: 
   a) *imitate buzzer noise* “Sorry! You did not win today’s game of Ableist Invasive Question Time. There are no more chances to play, have a good one.” [This could act as a cue for you to walk or roll away/leave the conversation if possible]. 
   b) “Thank you for your interest. However, I do not share private medical details with people unless I require accommodations. Have a great day.”
4. Additionally, you can follow on from the last part with: “Instead, may I suggest that you check out [insert-the-blank] for more information about dynamic disabilities/hidden disabilities/mobility aid or disability support usage.” [Insert-the-blank] is open to whichever resources you feel are most appropriate, such as:
   a) A disability magazine or digital publication.
   b) An article about dynamic disability or the flexible use of supports and tools (here is a subtle plug for my The D*List article about dynamic disabilities). 
   c) Your favourite disability advocate or content creator’s blog or social media accounts.
   d) A website or social media account that is relevant to your specific disability or chronic illness (if you feel comfortable sharing this).
5. If you have a partner, friends, or family who you frequently spend time with, consider talking with them about how you would like them to handle these conversations if they occur. You might want them to gently steer the discourse onto another topic - especially if you find it harder to engage with ableist or intrusive questions. Or you may prefer to handle the situation, while having them as a witness in case the person decides to be difficult when you set your boundaries.
6. Having disabled friends or people who you trust to vent about the casual ableism of these conversations can be really beneficial. This allows you to plan some scripted responses for questions, vent, and may help you to identify ways to improve on handling these situations in future. It can also validate how you’re feeling if you are able to talk about it with somebody who has their own lived experience or understanding of disability and ableism.
7. Consider potentially decorating your mobility aids or support tools with stickers, washi tape, paint or fabric. Alternatively, you may enjoy wearing clothing, makeup, accessories, or hairstyles that are striking and stylish. While they may not prevent all unwelcome ableism, they could potentially generate conversation that focuses more on the way that you choose to present yourself - instead of your disabilities. 

Remember, you do not exist to be everyone’s inspiration or source of education about disability. It is okay to feel frustrated and upset at non-disabled people’s demands of access to your medical information. Nobody deserves to be interrogated about disabilities while they are simply trying to exist in public.

Give yourself permission to grieve any difficult experiences and allow yourself time to build up confidence for dealing with these uncomfortable, ableist conversations. If you feel like you can inject some playful humour into your responses, have a little fun with it. Especially if humour helps you to cope better with negative aspects. Please be mindful of your safety and remove yourself from the conversation or space if your wellbeing and physical safety feels at risk. 

Although adorning myself in gorgeous, feminine outfits will probably never make me entirely immune from having to endure casual ableism from strangers; I feel assured that I still have some control over how I choose to deal with these unfavourable interactions. Choose your own adventure non-disabled people. Just remember that disability does not automatically equal entertaining your obnoxious questions with diplomacy. 

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