Disabled on dating apps: To disclose or not to disclose

Read the transcript to this podcast below.

Amy: Kia ora, I'm your host Amy and you're listening to ‘Disabled on Dating Apps: To Disclose or Not to Disclose’, a podcast episode brought to you by The D*List.

Abdulla: Kia ora everyone, my name's Abdulla, I'm 29, I'm also a youth facilitator in the disability sector, I live in Auckland and I've had pretty interesting experiences with dating apps.

Amy: My name is Amy, I am 24, I am based in Tāmaki Makaurau, and I had some pretty interesting experiences with dating before I found my fiancé. Disclosure of disabilities is a pretty controversial subject, as you well know, especially discussing the disclosure during the dating process. Each disabled person will feel differently surrounding this topic, and there is no right or wrong in this space, just our opinions.

While disabled people do have the autonomy to decide what to include in their dating profiles, the decision to actively disclose or not may be highly influenced by one factor: the visibility of their disability. That's a pretty obvious factor, right? The visibility of our disabilities. It impacts us a lot and the decisions we make throughout our daily life. So what do you think about the visibility factor? Has the visibility of your disability impacted how you disclose on dating apps?

Abdulla: Yeah, if you have a physical disability you don't really need to disclose it, obviously depending on what your profile picture is. If you have a physical disability then it's there and people can really see it, so for me personally I think there's no need to disclose it in your bio at least.

Amy: As long as it's visible in your photos? Is that what you're saying?

Abdulla: Well for me, I put my face up there. I'm mobile, I'm able to walk and everything. And so having a profile picture, for me at least, it shows some of the disabilities from my facial side. But everything else, they wouldn't know what type of disability I would have. For me personally, I think that that's a bit personal. Especially to just put it in your bio, because in your bio everyone can just see it and you're still vulnerable in that sense. Because you don't know what the person's intention is. But I mean, just visually, you can tell that I do have a disability. But what is it? That's the disclosure part.

Amy: So you discussed how if your disability is visible in your profile picture then adding more detail about it in your bio is vulnerable and you don't know the intentions of the people who are reading your bio. And I completely agree that it can be quite a vulnerable place to be. However, I'm invisibly disabled. I did write a very long extensive bio talking about my disability, but I also have reasons behind that. So I'm not dating anymore, but while I was, I was pro disclosure. My main profile picture was me with my walking cane and I wrote an entire essay, well not really but kinda, about my disability in my bio. 

I matched with my now fiancé and if my fiancé was honest with you, he would tell you he didn't even read the entire bio, it was that long. But I guess I can't blame him really, like you're not on Tinder to read an essay. But I knew anyone that messaged me would at least have had the opportunity to know about my disability and the nature of it And I guess that was kind of me being lazy in a way. Because then I didn't have to answer quite as many questions, you know? Like, ‘oh, what is’, once people start asking about your disability and they ask you ‘what is it, oh, what, why, what does it cause’, that kind of thing. 

I guess my stance or disclosure was highly influenced by my experiences dating. Like on the rare instances that I actually went out to a club and I was hit on by a guy, I usually wouldn't take my walking cane. So they just think they were hitting on this normal chick and then we'd exchange numbers and then the entire night I would be stressing about how is he gonna react? How am I gonna tell him? Because you just can't see it looking at me. I'm invisibly disabled and I felt like it was just too stressful for me personally So that's why I'm pro disclosure because it gets it out of the way if they don't read my bio, that's their problem. And if they do read at least a little bit of it, then they would know.

Abdulla: I think what influences someone to disclose something is how much I identify with that. So for me personally, I just view my disability as it's not really part of me, it's just like, it is what it is. 

Amy: I will say that there are quite a few things that Abdulla and I disagree on despite working together and getting along quite well. And one of those things is the language surrounding disability. So I personally identify as disabled. I think that identity-first language is important for me personally. However Abdulla doesn't really identify with that label as much. And again, it's completely personal preference. So that definitely impacts things because it's an important part of my identity. But for you, it's just kind of part of your life. But not like a part of who you are.

Abdulla: Exactly, but I think what might play into it is like, at least for me, it might be different for females and males.

Amy: Mm, you're right, you're right.

Abdulla: So, I mean, just generally speaking, there is a sense that males might be a bit more protective and disclosing that, because of the stereotype of manliness and all that stuff.

Amy: Right, right, like a bit of a pride issue.

Abdulla: Yeah, like that might put off some girls or whatever.

Amy: Right, right, so do you think that maybe men specifically or even just disabled people in general could be worried about the concept of being disabled putting off potential dates?

Abdulla: Yeah, no, 100%, 100%. And what you highlighted is I think it's more accepted in a way if a guy's dating a female with a disability. Whereas the reverse roles have these connotations of sympathy and like, ‘is it your, care worker’.

Amy: Yeah, right.

Abdulla: That type of like, language, or like those types of assumptions, might put guys off from even disclosing, and being like, ‘hey, I don't want any sympathy’. Whereas like, in your situation, from what you've explained, it's more welcome.

Amy: Right, right, yeah. What you just said made me think of a situation where Lawrence, my fiancé, was pushing me in my walking frame that converts into a wheelchair. We were going through the mall, and I leaned up to talk to him, and he leaned down and kissed me. And you should have seen the look on the face of this old lady who was sitting right there. She was like, "Oh my God." So yeah, I think that there is a lot of nuance, especially when it comes to disabled people dating non-disabled people, because then there is that question of, are they your caregiver? Are they your support worker?

Abdulla:  It questions their intentions.

Amy: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Abdulla: And characteristics. It's like you're putting a bad look or a bad perspective that you have a hidden agenda.

Amy: Yeah, yeah, what could you possibly want from dating a disabled person?

Abdulla: Yeah, exactly.

Amy: Which is so, so stupid.

Abdulla: It goes back and forth, right? And like, obviously guys that date disabled women, if you're in that type of relationship, they also get a lot of flack from it as well. That's because like, I talk from a girl's perspective, it's like, oh, it might be out of sympathy and stuff. But from a guy's perspective, it's like a bit more malicious.

Amy: Yeah.

Abdulla: It's like, ‘oh, you're being like predatory’. You're being like predatory or you're taking advantage. It does come back to that question, like why are you dating a disabled person?

Amy: Yeah, like no one's taking advantage of me. Like if anything, it's the other way around. Like.

Abdulla: Poor Laurence.

Amy: Yeah, my poor fiance.

Abdulla: Even though disability is well-known now and it's awesome, it's cool, you still have people that are a bit uncomfortable. And there's nothing bad about them. It's just they just don't have the experience around it. And  if you don't have a family member, if you don't have one either, whatever the circumstances are, if you haven't been around people or you don't know people personally with a disability, you still tend to be a bit awkward around it. Because it's just like, oh, I want to be respectful, but also I don't want to make it seem like I'm avoiding the topic or anything. It's a real thin line that they might be walking along.

Amy: Yeah, I don't think I could take the same approach as you though, even though I see your point of view because our disabilities are different mobility-wise. Like you get around without any aids. Whereas if I suddenly walked up to our second or third date with a walking cane, pulled out of nowhere, they'd be like, "What on earth is happening?"

Abdulla: Yeah, it's a physical disability. So it's not really easy to hide. It's like, once you meet them, they kind of get it. Especially for me and my speech is a big giveaway.

Amy: So they might look at your profile and be like, ‘oh yeah, no, cool, he has some form of disability that impacts his face’. And then they show up to the date and then they hear your voice and then like, click for them. Like, oh, that's just part of you, him.

Abdulla: Yeah, definitely. They might already expect it if they're already thinking that I do have a disability. You don't know what they're thinking, but I don't think anyone would blatantly be like, "Oh, so like, you do have a disability."

Amy: Yeah, no, exactly.

Abdulla: Like, ‘oh, my assumptions were right’. But I don't bring it up personally. It's not like, ‘what do you do?’ It's like, ‘oh, I work and I have a disability’ and I start reading out my disability and stuff.

Amy: Could you imagine?

Abdulla: If a topic comes up, if they ask then I'm open to answering that, you know? And I'm not gonna put any judgment on her for asking.

Amy: Yeah, rather people ask questions than make assumptions.

Abdulla: Yeah.

Amy: Yeah, for sure.

Abdulla: And so, that's the thing, I just leave it to them. If they wanna talk about the topic, then cool. I'm open to that. But me personally, I'm not gonna put it to the floor and be like, ‘hey, you wanna talk about my disability?’

Amy: (laughing)

Abdulla: I don't know how she might feel about it.

Amy: So, since you don't disclose in your bio and you kind of just see how things go, when do you feel like you would be comfortable disclosing? Is it on a case by case basis?

Abdulla: Yeah, definitely. If it's going good and you're actually starting to build some rapport, and you're starting to hang out more, maybe now we should actually tell them (laughing) Right? I'm not obviously saying hide it.

Amy: No.

Abdulla: But for me, it's like protecting yourself. Because the first couple of dates can go either way, right? So if it doesn't go your way, you wouldn't wanna have that vulnerable talk.

Amy: Right. “The Talk”.

Abdulla: Yeah, I wouldn't wanna put myself out there, and maybe others are more comfortable putting themselves out there, to people that don't really know too much. How I see it, how I view it, if it doesn't work out, all good. I haven't disclosed anything serious, they haven't disclosed anything serious, we just met up. And maybe I'm being a bit more skeptical. I don't really wanna have that weird, and then it’s pretty awkward, to have that talk, it's just like, ‘oh yeah, don't do this, I can't do that’, and ‘when this happens, I'm not able to do this’. It's just like, if it doesn't go well, you don't need to know that information. If you're not gonna be in my life in a way, even with friendships, it doesn't even have to be dating. Even with normal friendships, I'm not gonna tell a random person all my issues.

Amy: Medical issues, right. No, I get what you mean. Even as far as disclosure went for me, I wasn't telling them everything. So I get what you mean about those first few dates and then seeing where it goes. I think The Talk is such a good concept. Like there's The Talk that we all know about that our parents have with us. And then there's The Talk that disabled people have with potential partners, right? Where we're like, ‘okay, this is the sitch. You can either stay or go. It's up to you’. For me personally, since my mobility is so impacted by my disability, I kind of had to tell them because any date we went on would probably be impacted by my disability. But also I didn't give them the full on rundown.

Abdulla: Yeah.

Amy: It's not like I gave them my medical history, like, "Oh yeah, I got this, this, this." Yeah, and I think if you have a complex disability, it can take a partner months to learn it anyway. Like to learn everything about you.

Abdulla: No, definitely.

Amy: So I guess I can't really fault you for not wanting to disclose at the very beginning and especially like that's a lot of mental effort to put in too. For someone you've only met for a couple of dates, just telling them, "Oh, yeah, this is everything about my disability now." 

Abdulla: "Do you want to go grab ice cream?" 

Amy: "Yeah, let's go get ice cream and a coffee."

Abdulla: But yeah, also you don't want to put too much on them. Otherwise they're going to be like - and this just came to my head just now - is like, they might feel bad. Like, ‘ooh’. Like, for whatever reason, they might not have wanted to keep meeting up, but because you disclosed the disability part, they're like, ‘ooh, now I can't not hear that’.

Amy: So, yeah, you're also, not only are you worried about sympathy from other people, like, outside of the relationship or the potential relationship but you're also worried about sympathy from the people you're dating.

Abdulla: Yeah.

Amy: Right, right. That makes a lot of sense.

Abdulla: And you know, I just don't want to make it awkward for them. If you don't like me, you don't like me. That's all good. But I don't want you to to keep meeting up. And then being like, "Oh, I need to keep meeting up because I feel bad." And like, nah, and so that's why I just avoid the topic.

Amy: Yeah, well don't feel sorry for us for sure. So I guess at the end of the day it's just about choosing what's comfortable for you. I personally will always advise people to disclose in one way or another and I guess you're not exactly not disclosing. You're just not actively disclosing.

Abdulla: Yeah.

Amy: As you said, you expect people to tell you're disabled just by looking at you. For me, having an invisible disability, that's not going to happen. So I need a little help from my walking cane and from putting it in my bio.

Abdulla: No, definitely.

Amy: So this is where our episode will end. Thank you to our lovely audience for sitting and listening to our voices this long. I'm so sorry. Also a huge thank you to Abdulla for joining me today for ‘Disabled on Dating Apps: To Disclose or Not to Disclose’. To our fellow disabled dating app users, how do you feel about disclosure? Let us know, we'd love to hear from you.

Also one last shout out to Shore Junction for allowing us to hire out the podcast room, you rock! And make sure to follow The D*List for more divinely disabled content.

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