The rare and magical quality of our relationships

It was at a primary school picnic with my family that I have my earliest memories of trying to make friends - it took some bribing. 

While the other kids ran off to play in the playground, my little disabled legs were not allowing me to climb the jungle gym. Sitting by myself on a picnic mat, I took out a bag of lollies. As soon as I started waving my sweets around, the other kids came running over.

Whether it’s an inaccessible school playground, lack of access at a sports club, inaccessible dating apps - we know there are less opportunities for disabled folk to build meaningful connections.  

Wanna hit up a local bar and meet a potential romantic partner? Too bad, there’s no lift access to get inside. Keen on picking up a bat and joining the local pickleball club? It’s a shame the changing rooms aren’t accessible. Interested in the new community book club? You know how it goes.

And yet, there’s a rare and occasionally magical quality about the delicate relationships that exist in our worlds, too. The relationship we have with our whānau, who on the one hand might be telling us ‘we don’t see you as disabled’, will also be the first ones by our side when disaster strikes. The tricky relationship with our physio, who only wants the best for our bodies, but can often trigger pains of the past, when ‘being fixed’ was the aim of the game. Or it might be a volatile relationship with a romantic partner that can feel like a real-life game of Minesweeper, where one wrong move can bring your whole world crashing down. 

Each of these relationships, while meaningful and precious, demands we live comfortably in a world of competing dualities. They ask us to be both courageous – and vulnerable. They ask us to provide – and receive. And they ask us to name our needs – while always being aware that there’s danger in asking for too much.

Meaningful connections and a sense of belonging are absolute needs in order to live a fulfilling life. So that’s why over the next few weeks on The D*List we are exploring the delicious nature of relationships as disabled people. And while we’ll absolutely be rejoicing in sexy disabled dating stories, we will also be spending time exploring different relationships that are unique to our communities - relationships with our assistance dogs, support workers and teacher aides, for example.

In my own life, I feel very #blessed to have many meaningful relationships. But even with a large social battery, I need to balance my own physical needs with my social ones. I might finally be invited to a cool party that’s at an accessible venue, but I’ve just run out of spoons for that week. Or perhaps a new gym class is adapted so I can participate, but my body just wants to lie down that afternoon. It’s not just external barriers but the reality of living in disabled bodies can be a barrier too. 

I used to feel guilty turning down social events, but fatigue exists and every body has limits whether you’re disabled or not. It’s just that having a disabled body - at least for me - means sometimes pretending like it doesn’t impact you, even if the actual reason for exhaustion is that you’ve just had a long day at work.

While we might not have all the answers to the big relationship questions out there, we hope the next few weeks will be replenishing as you see fragments of your own relationships reflected in the stories we share.

Even though I no longer bribe people with lollies to become my friend (well, not often, anyway) we know that too many barriers still exist for disabled people to find community and build relationships. So to counter these barriers, we need to see stories that reflect our own experiences and read about relationship successes to help us envision our own potential. It’s these ingredients that help us navigate the delicate but sweet world of relationships.

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