Computer Love through the ages

For many years I’ve been searching for The One. I’m probably not the only one who at times feels like this quest might never end. 

We all want to feel loved, but there are sometimes barriers in the way for us to find a romantic partner – inaccessibility, disableism, ableism and everything in between. 

I was fed up with trying to meet people in pubs or clubs with bad accessible toilets. But in the mid-1990s, like a blessing I didn’t know I needed, the option of online dating arrived.

I thought I could finally meet people online and they’d turn into in-person connections! But the prospect of computer love has turned out slightly differently than I'd expected.

A new way to date

Online dating started in the form of clunky websites with lots of dating profiles, where you could take more risks finding true love from the safety of your computer screen.

In 2009 I began chatting with a beautiful Russian woman whom I met through a reputable Aotearoa-based dating website. She even took the trouble to send me a picture of herself in a snowstorm with the Kremlin in the background holding a piece of paper with my name on it.

After a series of quick email conversations about some fairly mundane things like my favourite colour and my zodiac sign, she asked me to marry her after three days. Then came the plot twist I should have seen coming: she asked me to pay for her plane tickets to Dunedin! That’s when I realised - slightly tragically - that I could have been scammed if I’d followed through with buying those tickets. Lesson well learnt there!

My dreams of marrying a beautiful, university-educated woman and endless visits to see Russian in-laws were dashed.

Finding Someone

Then my first successful online romance was in 2010. One quiet Sunday evening, I sent emails to three women on NZDating.com.  

To my pleasant surprise, I got three replies. And what do you know, I even ended up pursuing a relationship with one of them. 

My second online dating connection was someone I met on the FindSomeone website. Although she initially turned me down after our first date, around three years later she messaged me out of the blue asking to meet again.

I agreed and we met for coffee, and then had a brief relationship.

Swiping my way through romance 

After a few failed attempts with dating websites in the early 2000s, I dusted myself off and got back on the online roller coaster. Dating apps had now become popular and I downloaded Tinder. 

As I’ve found, Tinder runs on algorithms trying to match you with the right person, but it can also lead you to the wrong people as well. I’ve been matched with so many other singles I’m not remotely compatible with because we didn’t have any interests in common!

I’ve wasted many hours having meaningless, one-syllable chats and swiping endlessly in the seemingly futile search for the one true love of my life.

And in wasting many hours like this, I assisted the Tinder developers to make an extra $48 a month courtesy of me!

Breadcrumbing

With online dating, comes new lingo! And I now have a whole new vocabulary to describe my experiences.

I’ve been ghosted (when people stop replying to your online messages), submarined (ghosting someone before messaging weeks later as if nothing has happened) and freeclimbed (people finding out my identity online as I have a reasonably high profile – it ruins all the fun!).

I’ve also been breadcrumbed (leading someone on with no intention of getting serious) far too many times.

The painful truth of it all is that my online dating experience has been large dollops of breadcrumbing, some scamming and minimal actual dating. But I still live in hope of being able to find The One, perhaps across a crowded room in a (hopefully) accessible venue. At least a good night out will deliver a bit more value for my $48 than Tinder ever did.

Subscribe to our weekly newsletter, The D*List Delivered!