Meet the autistic people rejecting traditional western binaries

Gender is a ‘made up’ concept to Dylan*. They’re frustrated by restrictions imposed on their gender expression and there seems to be no consistent logic behind them. It’s a common pattern for autistic people, who are more likely to be non-binary or gender non-conforming than non-autistic people.

Lots of people (like JK Rowling…) try to make people feel worried or afraid of why this pattern exists, playing on infantilising ideas of disability. In reality, the pattern exists because autistic people are rejecting gender as a pointless social norm. Dylan says being described as “she” was as true to real life as a car being a “she”.

Being autistic and being non-binary both involve some rejection of social norms. For non-binary people, they’re pushing back against the Western gender binary, and for autistic people this could be as wide-ranging as the social norms that exist - a refusal to do small talk, to dress ‘professionally’, to accept established political ideologies like transphobia. Of course, not all autistic people are knowingly rejecting social norms, some are unaware of them or of their importance entirely. This overlap between identities has sprung up some new terms to describe their unique experience: “autigender” and “neuroqueer”. 

Autigender “means a person’s gender identity is influenced by their Autistic mind” according to Bernard Grant, a neurodiversity advocate. It’s not necessarily a label that someone uses for their gender like ‘genderfluid’ or ‘non-binary’, but more often describes how some autistic people relate to their gender identity. You can be a cisgender man and also autigender, if you feel your experience of boyhood and manhood diverged from the masculine norm. It’s not a fixed label at all, but adapts to the experiences of autistic people who choose to use it. 

When speaking to gender non-conforming autistic people, there were some strong themes in their experiences - gender made little sense to them because autistic thinking prioritises your needs, values, and logic over conformity for conformity’s sake. Ella Rankin, 23, described dressing more feminine as a child because it “made more sense to people around me, although it made no sense to me,” and only understanding why they had done this when they were later diagnosed autistic. Rankin felt that gender norms were nonsensical, and was continually surprised to discover that others didn’t agree. 

Some autistic people see themselves as wilfully rejecting the gender binary because it does not serve them. They understand its function in society and what is expected of them, but to exist within the gender binary would feel like ‘masking’ their true identity. In an essay about pathological demand avoidance and autism, social psychologist Devon Price paints a picture of autistic people as holding a more robust moral code than non-autistic people. Pathological demand avoidance can drive a person to outright refuse to participate in something that they don’t value, because the feeling of resistance it instils is so powerful. Price sees gender non-conformity as “standing up for their beliefs”, something that is worth alienating people over, and which PDA helps to empower them to do. 

Price says: “It’s clear that Autistics are more likely to be honest about difficult truths than our non-Autistic peers are. The real question, then, is not ‘why are so many Autistic people trans?’ but rather, ‘Why are so many non-Autistic people in the closet all their lives?’ And the answer to that one is obvious. Non-Autistics lack a persistent drive for autonomy. No wonder so many of them resent us for dodging the very demands they succumb to.”

In this light, autistic rejection of social norms may be something that all people can learn and benefit from; not just a refusal of gender norms, but a refusal to accept any social expectations that do not make you happy. 

On the flip side, there are autistic people who feel that society rejected them, and they had no choice but to exist outside social norms. Writer “The Autlaw” shared their experiences of being ‘othered’ in same-sex spaces and made to feel like an outsider by their peers. For them, identifying as a woman doesn’t feel right because they were never given a chance to do the things other girls do, or have the kind of friendships girls are supposed to have with each other: “I came to see that part of why I am not a woman is because of my autistic social trauma.”

Despite the painful reasons that autistic people may have found their way to a non-binary identity, there is joy to be found in sharing this experience with others. Autigender person Leanne Yau, 24, spoke to Men’s Health about autistic community. They said: “Once I was alone or around other autistics, I didn’t have any gender, nor did I need to wear one.”

It’s an experience that neurodiversity advocate Grant described as “gender agnostic”; rather than having to fight for recognition of a non-binary gender, being amongst like-minded autistic people allows space for gender not to exist at all. In a world where being disabled and being queer can each make you a target for hatred, exclusion and mistrust, boldly accepting both identities and recognising that they exist together and intertwine with one another, is a powerful way to live. 

* Name changed to protect the identity of this person.