“You thought we were serious?” - Govt admits it never meant to promise most promises [SATIRE]

This article is satire, and the quotes attributed to govt spokespeople are not real. 

Hot on the heels of admitting that it never meant to promise half price public transport fares for disabled people, despite saying that it would, the New Zealand Government has said it never really intended to do most things it promised disabled New Zealanders over the past three years.

The Accessibility For New Zealanders Bill is one such initiative that, despite being launched with great fanfare in October 2021, is now also something that “we were never that serious about”, according to a government spokesperson.

“We thought it would be a fun idea, you know?” said the spokesperson. “Give disabled people something to keep them happy - distract them from decades of under-investment in things that really matter. Let’s be honest, we know that many disabled people live in poverty, still can't go to their local school, are shut out of the job market, and are penalised for being in relationships. But that stuff feels like, really hard. So we thought, hey, why not plant the idea that we might transform disabled New Zealanders’ access to community and revolutionise our standards of accessibility? How cool does that sound! But honestly we thought they'd forget about it in time, that it would all blow over - we had no intention of actually like, doing it.”

The promise was indeed tantalising. Comprehensive disability rights legislation, enshrined into New Zealand law, that would finally make it possible for disabled people to access their local education, workplace and community settings on the same level as everyone else. It felt too good to be true. And of course, it was. When the draft bill was finally announced in July 2022, it was widely criticised by disabled people as doing nothing more than establishing a committee. Something disabled people definitely don’t have enough of. And while the disappointing outcome was initially put down to sheer incompetence, today’s revelation suggests the government never meant to actually do any of it at all.

A more glaring example of over-promise with no intention of delivery is the national rollout of Enabling Good Lives. Developed 12 years ago (!), Enabling Good Lives is frequently cited by the government as the salve to every disabled wound. Promising a fairly radical future of a “good life”, EGL is an approach that has the audacity to suggest that disabled people are best-placed to decide what supports best meet their needs. “Previously I'd only ever aspired to a mediocre life, so to hear the government saying I could have a good one was real music to my ears”, deadpanned a local disabled person. 

However, despite promising over and over again that EGL would arrive nationwide, bringing with it the promised land for disabled people, it has so far failed to eventuate, leading many disabled people to wonder whether the government ever meant to promise it would happen in the first place. 

“Um, absolutely not,” came the bemused response from a government communications consultant, who was at pains to point out that he broke his finger once, so he knows what it feels like to be disabled. “I don’t know whose idea it was to suggest enabling good lives, but that was a real oversight. I know we’re the party of aspiration but even for us, “good” was a real stretch. Enabling Average Lives? Enabling Impoverished Lives? We could’ve made those happen. But Good?! Come on. Who do these people think they are?”, he asked, before musing on a time he almost broke a toe. 

So while today's news that the government is reneging on a policy promise that it never intended to make in the first place may have come as a shock, it shouldn’t have. History speaks for itself. It’s simply the latest in a long line of GST-exempt carrots dangled in front of our people, to be whipped away and replaced with a middle finger at the final hurdle. Honestly, I’m not sure why we put up with it. Maybe we should vote for the other crowd — oh, wait.