Being the person my younger self needed

I sometimes feel like I give off this stand-offish vibe and my face tells people ‘don't bother me’ without actually saying it. I used to feel like I was the problem and, although it may be true in some instances, that’s just how my face naturally is and it can be misunderstood by people.

When people tell me what their first impression of me is, I always laugh because it ends with “you’re not so bad after all”. If that doesn't give you ‘don't judge a book by its cover’ then I don't know what does. It always surprises me when people push past my book cover.  

There was a time where I was outside taking a breather from work with my moral support vape. I’d just spent two hours facilitating with a group of disabled people and called a break for everyone to have some down time before finishing.

I was feeling claustrophobic inside and needed some space alone. We all need a break sometimes, right? As I was enjoying my vape, my five minutes of peace was interrupted by another companion sharing the same air as me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the company, but when I envision ‘taking a breather’, I imagine being 10 feet away from others, enjoying our own space in the same air – kind of what you do when strangers are around. Except this time I can't do that.

Usually when I have someone around me that is new into the space I work in, we get past the awkward polite ‘hi how are you, how’s your day?’ conversations to having small talks and banter that, unintentionally, lead into deeper therapy talks. I’ve always been a listener anyway so I get a variety of topics to talk about: the drama, the random thoughts and experiences, from their hobbies to their problems — their life story in pieces of conversations. 

This companion — let’s call him Lukas — wanted to share my air and share something that was bothering him. In the middle of my vape break, I noticed he looked bothered and wasn't in the right headspace. I asked him if he was okay and if he wanted to talk, which he then replied with a yes. He really needed to talk to someone. We spent an hour and a half just talking. Things weren’t great at home and he had these goals he really wanted to achieve, but he felt like he was being held back.

At that point, the break I needed didn’t even matter anymore, it was Lukas who mattered and I needed to make sure that when we finished our talk, he was going to walk away feeling lighter. As someone who didn’t have anyone to pour out my emotions to when I was younger, I made sure to be someone others could confide in. Lukas talked, I listened.

He let out his frustrations, particularly his family not being there in the way that he needed them to be. He was being coddled because of his disability. I could relate, being coddled isn't new to those of us with disabilities, but it does set us back from reaching our potential. In my conversation with Lukas he was angry, sad and frustrated that the people he loved the most couldn't support him in the life he wanted. I’ve known this guy since 2015. Despite clashing with his family, they are his world. He is the most soft hearted soul I know and for him to think he doesn’t deserve happiness made me sad because I used to feel a similar way.

Before the end of our unbooked therapy session, I reminded him that what we deserve in life often starts with a struggle. The hardest lessons come with the most rewarding outcomes. Although the process is bittersweet, he must remember who he is first, and not what his friends, peers or family expect him to be. 

I felt like this was a proud moment for the both of us. Lukas had someone in that moment to talk to about what was going on. Younger me didn’t, so when I say even that was a cool moment for me, it was. I was able to be a safe space for someone else and it really fills my cup when moments like that happen.

If someone was to ask me who my role model was growing up, I wouldn't be able to answer that and I still wouldn't have an answer. I knew, however, the type of energy I wanted around me as I matured, but didn't think I would have it in my life again. I had a childhood best friend, who knew me before my transition into a wheelchair and after. She was my first ever friend in life and I bring her up because I appreciated the fact that she never looked at me any differently. Wheelchair or not, I was still her bestie as she was mine. I was a super shy kid that was too anxious and didn't have a voice and she was the one person who made sure I was always included and took me everywhere she went. She made me realise what a real friendship is, and without a doubt, she’s someone I would trust my life with. So without realising it, I wanted to make sure others around me had their own voice in a safe capacity. 

The experiences I’ve had have helped shape me into the person that I am today. From not knowing anything about the disability sector, to being a director and youth worker has been such a fluke, but so rewarding. It hasn’t been an easy ride, but in all honesty if I didn’t have the support of my friends and the drive to step out of my comfort zone, my journey would have looked completely different. Everything I started doing was just for the experience, but then it slowly became something I was passionate about: to be the voice for others like me so they don’t have to go through what young Naomi did and to be represented as a Pacific disabled person. Now I get to advocate in two ways: social justice and creative arts. 

It’s natural for me to be a listener more than a talker and I used to feel like it was a problem. But I recently realised that being a listener, I gravitate towards people who are bored and like to talk about their life going wrong.

I love listening to people’s stories, just like Lukas’. I have this weird thing where I want to know how a person's mind works. Some people might call it nosiness, but I call it self-awareness. It’s through relationships with people where you start to understand there’s more to what you see on the outside. So I don’t mind if an interruption to my vape break helps another young person feel heard.

PHAB Pasifika opens the Pacific Dance NZ Festival at Te Uenuku, Māngere Arts Centre on Saturday 7 June at 5pm. You can find out more or purchase tickets here.

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