Things we’re tired of hearing as autistic women

Last year I was introduced to a social group for autistic women and gender diverse people called Kirikiriroa Autistic Wildflowers (KAW). Being around the wildflowers and sharing our experiences has been comforting, as many of us have similar stories.

Recently, I opened up about being autistic to a non-autistic person in a professional work setting, and they said “wow, what a pity party.” I told the wildflowers about this experience, and they all had similar stories of responses that they’ve heard from non-autistic people. So I started making a list of things we’re tired of hearing as autistic wildflowers.

Through KAW, I met Victoria Ruakere who was late-diagnosed, and is passionate about disability advocacy. We sat down to discuss a list of things that we, and our fellow wildflowers, are tired of hearing. We also discussed the things we’d rather hear instead.

1) But you don’t look autistic

Coming in hot at number one is “you don’t look autistic.” This is something most of us have heard, and to many, we probably don’t look autistic because research into autism has historically excluded us. For a long time, women and gender diverse people were left undiagnosed and without support. The only way to survive was to mask these autistic traits.

Victoria and I agreed that it can be easy to spot fellow autistic people in the wild sometimes, by observing communication styles, body language, speech patterns or clothing choices. But it’s less about what people look like, and more about their vibe.

2) You can make eye contact, so you can’t be autistic

Making eye contact does not disqualify someone from being autistic. It’s taken years for many of us to build this skill to be “accepted” in mainstream society. Many of us know that making eye contact is the social norm, and refusing to make eye contact has had negative reactions in the past. We’ve learnt to adapt our ways and mask, even though it’s not natural for us.

Victoria and I discussed that sometimes eye contact can be too extreme and result in too much eye contact. In some cultures, eye contact can also be a sign of disrespect, so it’s not always the best indicator of autism.

3) You must really LOVE trains!

As much as we love public transport, and would love to see more passenger trains around the country, we do not LOVE trains (and neither do the other wildflowers). We all have different special interests. Victoria loves creative things like games, scrapbooking and crochet.

Some other things our wildflowers love are arts, crafts, dinosaurs, plants, fungi, fossils, games, anime and music. We all have our own interests. There may be others out there who are train lovers, but being autistic does not automatically mean that we love trains. That’s the beauty of the spectrum!

4) You’re just using it as an excuse to not work

Besides acknowledging how nasty this is to say to someone, it’s not true. The wildflower who shared this story actually does work, but the stats are clear about unemployment and underemployment for all disabled people. Many of us want to work, but most workplaces are not accessible due to the lack of flexible work arrangements, accommodations, and support.

Interestingly, everyone in my team at IHC is autistic. Unfortunately, not every workplace is as accommodating as IHC is for disabled folks. With the right supports and accommodations, we can do really well at work and thrive.

Other things on the list:

• Were you vaccinated?

• But I haven’t seen you stimming.

• I don’t think you should tell people you’re autistic.

• You’re just weird, not autistic.

• Only men can be autistic though.

• But you’re nothing like my autistic friend or family member.

• Whoever diagnosed you should lose their job.

Things you should say instead:

• Wow, thank you for sharing.

• Tell me more about yourself!

• What are your special interests?

• Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you!

• Oh cool, I am too! (This one only works if you’re also autistic).

So many misconceptions exist about autistic women, partly because research in this space is still emerging, but also because women are held to a higher expectation of social performance. There is a lack of information and awareness about what autism in women looks like, and some people just don’t know how to respond respectfully when we’re open about who we are.

I’m hoping this article will help!

Maioha Tawa is part of our Community Reporters Programme for 2026. This programme supports The D*List's commitment to nurturing the next generation of disabled storytellers in Aotearoa. You can read more about our Community Reporters Programme here.